Having Healthy Boundaries is Essential for Wellbeing
- melissarivard
- Jul 26
- 5 min read
Lately, I’ve been diving deep into the topic of boundaries.
I’m currently reading Boundary Boss by Terri Cole (highly recommend!), and boy does it resonate.
As someone in recovery from chronic people-pleasing (with the occasional relapse), I know how easy it is to bypass honesty and self/value-alignment in the name of “kindness” or “service" - leading to a degradation of healthy boundaries. I can easily fall into a peacekeeper role, and if I’m honest, I’ve often felt a kind of addictive pull to jump in and try to “fix” things for others. For me, having at times both rigid and porous mental and emotional boundaries came at a cost.
Truth stuff....
Sometimes I’ve given from an empty tank, putting others’ needs above my own capacity - this has led to burn out in the past. I did not just compromise my own wellbeing, I also showed up with less presence, less clarity, and less quality, which led to further feelings of shame and guilt. I often felt responsible (and still do sometimes if I am honest) for other's feelings, actions, and outcomes - often apologising for how others felt as if it was my responsibility. In my younger years, I would sometimes lie and shapeshift to seamlessly fit into a social dynamic or justify my absence in order to avoid conflict and feel accepted. As the oldest, I often feel responsible for the fate of every family member and can be overwhelmed with worry and guilt.
I see issues with boundaries impacting their health with the clients I work with as well...
- feeling pressured to drink alcohol every weekend or Friday afterwork to not make others feel uncomfortable even though they sleep and feel better to drink less.
-often not doing the exercise they had planned because they feel they need to ‘do more work’
-eating at their desk and still checking emails despite actually being entitled to a break and no one asking them to do so.
-micromanaging others, draining time and energy that could be spent on their own wellbeing
-staying on their screens/phones longer than what is intentional and of value - often impacting sleep and meaninful connection to experiences, people, the present moment.
Now don’t get me wrong: Service and kindness are core values for me and likely always will be. When I act in alignment with these values intentionally and with my healthy boundaries in tact protecting my wellbeing, I feel expansive, energised, and purposeful.
The dance is having awareness on when my actions are aligned with intentional service or feeding my people-pleasing part and dysregulated nervous system.
Categories of boundaries: physical, sexual, material, emotional, mental.
Types of Boundaries:
Rigid
- Not asking for help when you need it
- Avoid close relationships to minimise rejection
- Be perceived as detached or cold
- Often isolate yourself from connection
Porous
- Often overshare personal information in inappropriate contexts
- Say yes when you want to say no - too often
- Overly investing in other’s problems
- Put up with disrespectful or abusive behaviour
- Conflict adverse - e.g. feeling need to fix/please others to avoid discomfort we feel from their emotions.
- “As long as everyone else is happy, I’m happy”
Healthy
- Value your own thoughts and opinions
- Feel comfortable asking for help or accepting help
- Know when and with who to be vulnerable and share personal information
- Can accept and respect the healthy boundaries of others
Here is what I’ve learned (and am still learning) on my journey towards having more healthy boundaries....
1. We have boundaries whether we are aware of them or not - you are constantly deciding through your actions what you tolerate and therefore, demonstrating and communicating boundaries - they may not be the boundaries you need. Being aware of the types of boundaries you have in different domains is an important first step. Our boundaries are usually learned from our upbringing - culturally, societally, from parents. It is pretty common to have boundaries that need some work - we are not broken.
2. If we don’t protect what we need to stay well with healthy boundaries, we will often burn out because we mismanage our energy.
3. No one else will or can put boundaries in place for us, we have to take responsibility for our own, communicate them clearly and respect the boundaries of others.
4. Caring for yourself doesn’t make you less kind, it makes your kindness sustainable, honest, and often of higher quality. It is brave and generous.
5. When you honour your own boundaries, you give others silent permission to do the same.
6. We are not responsible for the feelings, outcomes and actions of others. We might have feelings associated with this but we do not need to act in a way that tries to fix things all the time. Offering advice without being asked for it can rob people of their dignity. Sometimes we just need to sit in the mud with people.
When we have healthy boundaries we manage our energy better and therefore, have more freedom, resilience, and vitality.
We are allowed to and can learn how to communicate how we honestly feel in a constructive way - it is scary but worth it and can improve our relationships.
No is a complete sentence. We do not need to apologise. Being Canadian - saying sorry is part of my culture and as a recovering people pleaser - adding 'sorry' to many statements often feels hardwired into my DNA haha.
It will likely be uncomfortable putting healthy boundaries in place in the beginning - however, it does get easier and people that value and love you will support and respect these boundaries eventually.
Reflection prompts:
What kind of boundaries do you have when it comes to managing your holistic health? (physical, relationships, mental, emotional)
What do you need to stay holistically well?
What boundaries do you need to better manage your energy - mentally, emotionally, physically?
What are you no longer willing to compromise to honour the actions you need to stay well?
Know what your preferences, desires, deal-breakers/nonnegotiables when it comes to your health behaviours - in other words what is okay/not okay ?
Hot tips?
You can pause before responding..."let me get back to you?"
How does saying yes make you feel in your body? - if it is not expansive - it is probably a 'no'
Does the action align with your values?
Support your nervous system - when we are operating from a place of survival, we are more likely to erode our boundaries - why? because social conflict and rejection can signal real danger to a nervous system - especially if it is dysregulated. Have practices that help you feel safe in your body - e.g. mindfulness practices, supportive people that help you feel safe, breathing practices.
I'd love to know if this resonates! I continue to learn and evolve in this space also and will continue to share what i've learned.